MY TRUE SELF

The day just as calm as my inner self,

I am no more the unnecessary excited person

of last couple of decades

Emotional dependency has tumbled

the urge to pick up phones and gossip is more dormant.

Less barriers for flexibility to climb in day to day life

Being in the moment does occur in one digit number in a day

Nagging does not try it's practice while watching sports on television with hubby

No rush to complete tasks just to mark off tick list in the head.

Frivolous over thinking and mindless languishing does escape my attention

Still nascent though in terms of remembering names of  books read  and personalities

Yet, on some days my brooding nature unabashedly transfixes

every moment seems to be slipping away

and I feel utterly inadequate.

My body and mind seem borrowed then

and a desperate urge arises to return the loaned parts.

Days when meditation, journaling, seem vestigial

nagging body pains cling endlessly

and mind attracts clutter as a magnet.

All the great motivation quotes 

and practices of mentors seem superficial

More than five decades old

Still figuring out the puzzle of daily life

One thing is irrefutable

outer battles are easy to win

inner ones demand a new solution each time

and set the mind on a fathomless roller coaster spin.

 

A MOTHER'S DISTRESS

 That one call shattered my life forever

No inkling of the storm the day's slanting sun rays were to create

Routine chores passed my day 

The only thought humming is how fast holidays end 

and you are voyaging back to university in a day.

Conversing with  my motherly pangs

I silenced them with the bribe

Christmas is just around the corner

Days will just fly.

You stepped out to get in 

the land cruiser, your friends waving out to you.

How abrasive the stars and moon turned out that night?

Speed cruising on the desert sands costed me my offspring

The narrated images of your broken skull haunt me. 

My existence snatched in seconds

Your lifeless corpse on the hospital bed

My shrieks hitting the hospital corridors 

Only to bounce back to be drenched in my anguish

 This is not whom I delivered nineteen years ago

The world  was at your feet waiting for your impressions

but you decided to just leave me, 

a single reckless act of yours and your accomplices.

No one gave you the right to gift me 

decades of everlasting hollowness.

She searches for you at your usual hideout places

I am at a loss to answer to your little sister

Which nerdy thought suggested you to ignore the seatbelt

and loose a family of loved ones forever.

 

Power of forgiveness

Why set such high standards for yourself ?

Only to plummet in  a crevice, grueling to ascend,

incessant scrutiny has metamorphose you into a cynic.

Your desire to be always at the centre stage 

caused you so much anguish.

The pressure of appeasing others and irrelevant comparisons

has made you a stranger in the mirror.

Do you even recognise you?

Why the need to rise in other's esteem?

Your bitterness a yardstick to resent others

The trenches of anger, the jealousy, the pride, 

The trappings of body aches, years of stolen sleep 

the mental simmering, the acid reflexes, the victim mentality

Was it worth it?

Why the urge to draw every stroke perfectly?

Chaos has smudged your life's canvas

If only you had learnt the art to be kind to yourself

everyone around you would have received 

a token of pardon in your journey of life

Silver years have passed away,

herculean to cast away old skin and don new

Why not try?

A balm of self forgiveness is the dire need of the hour

 a balm unavailable  at chemist's and which no doctor can prescribe

Squirt it more often and apply to age old gashes

and every relationship will take a new leap of freshness

There are presidential pardons even for murderers

You are just a mortal 

Then why not initiate the art of forgiving yourself just for once ?

LEASE

We are one, we were born at the same time,

Then why have you separated and cast me aside?

Look in to my eyes just once, I am just like you

All my senses a replica of yours

I feel the same angst as you.

Who gave you the right to decide my destiny

When will my lease end? 

I do not intend to be borrowed, owned or rented

Suffocated, choking, I have forgotten to breathe

What harm have I caused you?

I give you birth, nurture you, 

fulfill all your desires till my last breath.

Do not make me feel ashamed of myself

Every time, I try to take a shape,

You decide my destiny

Even before the umbilical cord is cut

When you can own yourself, why not me?

I wish to breathe the same air as you

and have ownership of my mind and body.

Why should I be cloaked from head to toe

and not step out of the house

just because you have no control over yourself?

It is my body, why cannot I wear what I want 

and choose what I want to do in my life?

Do you feel a threat from me?

Is it why you want to cage me indoors?

Believe me, my mind functions

it knows how to choose, it can decide for itself.

I did not ask to be a woman

But yes, I am proud having born as one

I love this country as much as you do

Give me back my keys of freedom, oh man

The lock has rusted, yet I will keep trying 

Let me be my own owner for once.